Humor

If only Abraham Lincoln were alive to enjoy his 200th birthday…

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Whichever one of the Ten Commandments tells us not to bow down to idols, that’s the one we’ve been breaking with all the Abraham Lincoln worship lately.

There’s no way he was even half as popular amongst Northerners back in the 1860s (I still bump into Civil War kooks down South who HATE Lincoln more than my wife hates the Dukes of Hazzard).

Amongst the dozens of new Lincoln tributes is a 2,024 page biography that weighs 9.3 pounds. The longest book I ever read was Stephen King’s The Stand, a good-vs.-evil plague morality tale that made me get nervous anytime I hung around someone with a terrible cough. That book weighed in at 1,141 pages — and that is my upper limit.

Any Abraham Lincoln comic books out there?

In honor of Lincoln’s birthday, I would like to shine the spotlight on one of his most devoted admirers — a banjo-playing, wood-chopping fringe presidential candidate who believes he’s channeling Honest Abe in the woods of New Hampshire.

Sadly, Carmen Chimento’s life doesn’t even merit a one-line cameo in that new 2,024 page biography.

Carmen also boasts the distinction of making the most bizarre comment I’ve ever heard about Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth.

What do you think?  Would we be better off today if we had a Chimento White House?

(New Hampshire political junkie Darren Garnick can be reached at www.cultureschlock.com)