Evan Seinfeld has — and has had — quite the life. Schooled on the gritty streets of Brooklyn, New York, he was once a roadie for Carnivore, has sold more than 5 million records as the bassist and singer for Biohazard, and enjoyed a long stint as biker gang leader Jaz Hoyt on HBO’s critically-lauded prison drama Oz. He used to be married to Tera Patrick for several years, which led Evan down a golden path to pornography; dude produces, shoots, directs, and acts in his own films as Spyder Jonez, and has basically boned every porn chick imaginable. Today, he’s engaged to the object of the wet dreams of every Howard Stern fan: devastatingly-hot porn star Little Lupe Fuentes.
Seinfeld is living the life I always imagined I’d have one day, growing up in a small town on Long Island as a horny teenager. Evan is an inspiration to me, because the dude’s got confidence, can slap a mean bass, and he just doesn’t give a fuck what you think about him. The man is honest, open, blunt, and forward. He’s just like me, only he gets to wake up next to Lupe. In fact, when I spoke to him Tuesday morning, he was doing just that. Throughout our conversation, I could hear her sleepy voice, muffled, coming from under hotel room sheets. Last night, they spent their evening taking a bath. Again, this guy is living the dream.
But while Evan’s been busy with his porn enterprises and fucking broads left, right, up, down, and every which way, he’s also been working on music. Yep, he still does that from time to time. In fact, the dude just wrapped recording the other day on the debut disc from his long-in-the-works side-project The Spyderz. The band also features John Monte, formerly of Ministry and M.O.D.
Evan's fiancee Lupe Fuentes
“This is something I have always wanted to do, and it’s taken time for me to let it organically develop,” Seinfeld tells Gun Shy Assassin about the hard rock outfit that, he says, is “just the sum of my influences.” It’s nothing like Biohazard, of course; there’s keys and horns on some tracks, harmonica on others. He even enlisted a gaggle of gospel singers for the disc, which is now being mixed by Toby Wright, who has worked with Alice In Chains, Korn, and Slayer.
“I don’t know if it sounds like any of these things but the intentions of it come from the Rolling Stones and The Who, Social Distortion, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Some people have said it sounds like The Cult and old Guns N’ Roses. It has some acoustic ballads. I’m very excited. Very few people — maybe nobody — will hear it and think, ‘That’s the guy from Biohazard.’ You know, even people I am friends with, they play in a band and then they go start another band and it sounds like the first band. Jamey Jasta has five bands that sound like Hatebreed. I love Jamey, I love his energy, and I love what he does, but anything I could do in Biohazard, I would do in Biohazard.”
Speaking of which, Evan says “80 percent of the music” for the next Biohazard record is about written and about “40 percent” of the lyrics. The guys have been writing the follow-up to 2005’s Means To An End for six months now. Toby Wright is producing the disc, which Seinfeld says is “a big, nasty, metal and hardcore record” with “melody and hooks, which we’ve never had before,” and promises that the new stuff is heavy, with “moments that feel like Urban Discipline or State of the World Address.” He says its “pissed off and thrashy and there are a lot of those intense old school moments.”
Speaking of old school, Seinfeld points out that the band’s coming up on 25 years. “Biohazard is older than my fiancee,” Seinfeld jokes. But it’s true. The 20-year-old Fuentes — who grew up in Spain and first reached out to Seinfeld two years ago on MySpace about him managing her career if she moved to the states — has been in the business for a while but is getting more mainstream attention after proving herself radio gold on Howard Stern’s popular Sirius show. Now, the couple can’t walk down the street without someone yelling out — in their best Lupe voice — “My pussy is like a machine.”
“Her pussy is a machine, I have to tell you,” Seinfeld reveals. “She’s amazing.”
When he first saw her pictures, he thought she was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. Then, she sent him information on the traffic her site was doing. And he couldn’t believe the numbers she was doing. He told her to come to America and that he’d meet with her. In time, she made the trip and the second he saw her in person, Seinfeld — whose marriage was crumbling — claims he fell in love.
“I was floored. I am just absolutely head-over-heels in love. It was love at first sight,” he says. “I was 41 years old, and she was still married and I’m still married, and all I can think about is how to get rid of my wife and her husband so I can be with this girl. I don’t even know if she’s interested in me. But I do know we have an immediate connection.”
Three months later, the two were living together and getting divorces. “I couldn’t be happier. We have been living together just over a year and we’re engaged and she is the most amazing person I have ever met. I have learned more about life from this little teenybopper about being in the moment, about presence of mind, about happiness, about enjoying life.”
Evan got Lupe on Stern, but Lupe had never heard of Stern before her first appearance. Going in blind, Seinfeld says, made it even better. She had no preconceived notions. “Something clicked between her and Howard. She’s talking about her pussy and ‘I like cock’ and ‘I like penis.’ I was listening, and I thought it was pretty funny. I was laughing at it because she’s my chick, I love her. I didn’t understand the magnitude of how far it was going to reach. I can’t tell you — we can’t go anywhere. We walk into a restaurant, a hotel, an airport, the bank. People just walk over.”
On Wednesday (August 18), Lupe will be back on Stern — to promote her best-selling fleshlight [Edit: Feel free to send Gun Shy a review apparatus…] — with Dave Lambert, the creepy inventor of the Sybian, a mountable vibrator. “Yeah she’s gorgeous and yeah she has a perfect ass and she’s sexy and great body and very sexual, but when you want to get into somebody, you need to learn more about them, and she has a great personality,” which really came out on the Stern show…which is why the fans embraced her.
Thanks to Seinfeld, Lupe’s signed a deal with Wicked and the young-looking starlet is becoming one of the biggest names in the business. And she even brings home girls for them to fuck. How can someone like you or I have a life like this? Well, funny you should ask. Seinfeld says he’s writing a book that, “at first glance it looks like a book about how to pick up chicks. Its not about that. Its about finding your own confident comfortable place in your own skin, and using that to your advantage to do whatever it is you want to do. Its about relationships, too. If I can do it, you can do it.”