Ask A Bombshell With Zeena Koda

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Go ahead -- ask her

Last week, we asked you to send in your questions for our newest columnist, Liquid Metal DJ and ultra-cool chick Zeena Koda. The response was phenomenal; most of them were romantic gestures and attempts to woo Zeena, and we got a handful of others that were legitimate questions. We need more questions for Zeena, so write to chris[at] and let us know what questions you need answered. No subject is off limits, and Zeena will get you her answers in short order. So here is the first installment of Ask A Bombshell, in which Zeena answers questions about music, chicks, and blowjobs.

“Women always pull the nice guy card on me. I rock on guitar, and I rock in bed. I don’t get why I have a problem with the ladies. Is it really such a bad thing to be nice to women? Also, what’s it like to be such a bad-ass? — Chas

The Bombshell says…
Oh Chas, you’re precious. Being nice to women makes you a MAN as opposed to a douche bag that thinks that being a “dick” is cute. Keep the dickiness to your testosterone-riddled circle jerk, thank you very much. But being NICE and RESPECTFUL makes you a man, not a boy or a man child. With that said — you seem like a rad dude and what it might be is the eternal struggle of mutual attraction. Let’s really take a look at relationships — there is no bottom line equation to attraction, none whatsoever. Either you have it for someone or you don’t. I, myself, have been known to like men hopelessly that everyone else thought were either A.) total losers, B.) not hot, or C.) a total asshole.

Why would ANYONE put themselves through that? Because we are all sadistic artists that somewhat enjoy pain. The longing builds an attraction and whether or not there is enough there to sustain a “relationship” is always what it boils down to in the long term, so FUCK THAT. My solid advice to you is: A.) never wear white sneakers, B.) keep rockin’ the guitar, it’s the strongest pussy magnet I’ve ever seen, and finally C.) quantity is always better. Gather the prospects and sort by priority — as the hip hoppers say, if one doesn’t want ya, “on to the next one.”

P.S. Being a bad ass is empowering, but doesn’t come without tears.

“Zeena, I’ve been dating this girl for about a year and I’m sad to report the BJs I used to receive with regularity have vanished from our sex life. She just wants to fuck, and I need a BJ from time to time. Not to completion, just two minutes of gentle sucking and licking. But how do I broach this subject without starting an argument and getting cut off for two months? I swear, I may have to cheat with a girl with an oral fixation. — Tigger tha Big Rigger

The Bombshell says…
My #1 question is, are you lickin’ the kitten? Because to be honest, there’s nothing worse than a man that doesn’t eat pussy. Let’s be real here — if you want me to put my impeccable mouth on your penis, you better return the favor and give me some incentive. It’s unfortunate that not MORE women feel that way because in the past, I’ve met too many guys that just “whip it out” and expect something, and really, there’s no better feeling than telling a dude to put his dick back in his pants when it’s already out — EPIC FAIL.

Women are simple creatures. Sex us right, stroke our ego so we feel like we are the shit, and we’ll return the favor if we still think you’re hot. So within that, you have a few things to ask yourself: buy the lady a dinner, tell her she looks hot, give the kitty some lovin’ (no cheap shit…20 minutes minimum) then see what’s up. If she’s still prude with the oral, fuck it, time to invest in a new lady who can sexually please you because there is no hope of future fidelity if you aren’t totally into it. Oh, and make sure your shit is clean too dude — no woman wants a questionable dick. I hope for your success.

“I want to start a metal band as a singer/guitarist. I already have most of the equipment and skill, but there’s only one problem. My parents advise me not to use gutturals, but I really want to. Should I go with my normal tenor, or just go balls to the wall with screaming? — Jacob

The Bombshell says…
I’d say, go with whatever feels right inside dude. I started out as a classically-trained singer and had to kind of learn how to “dirty up” some of my vocals, so anytime I can get Dirt McGirt on a tune I fully take advantage. If you wanna scream and it suits the music — whether it’s a conventional style of metal or not — you need to make sure you don’t blow out your voice. There’s a few methods you can take, but going balls to the wall will require you needing to A.) learn how to breathe properly, B.) consistently warm up and C.) make sure you are always able to hear yourself properly.

One thing I learned is that even a scream has an essence, a pitch, so finding the right placement for that while breathing correctly is KEY — if you wanna try some more guttural sounding pitches try singing a note and adding a little roughness to see how it shapes the sound. It’s all trial and error, but breathing and making sure your lung capacity is at it’s peak is paramount, run a few laps, come back, then shred accordingly. There’s also a method some people use called  “Proximity Screaming” which is like a faint scream, mostly amplified closely and directly through the mic but delivering the same audio quality of a full out scream.

Give these methods a try and see what fits best with the sound you’re going for. Decipher if it is complimentary to the other instruments and most of all, what makes you feel secure and FUCKING METAL! If screaming fails you, go for the clean voice; you’ll probably be more comfortable and eventually you will find ways to stylistically merge the two.