The Final Frontier

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It’s come to the attention of this reporter that the Rapture is, in fact, going to occur.

Documents leaked earlier today describe how a bi-partisan team of Senators, dubbed the Gang of 14, working closely with President Obama have developed and set into motion a plan to save Humankind – FROM GOD!

It seems a heretofore unreleased portion of the Apocryphal manuscripts of the Dead Sea Scrolls, brought to the President’s attention by a Muslim scholar studying in Jerusalem, clearly and believably lay out God’s rapture plans. In all likelihood the Rapture will occur on May 21.

The plan developed involves the US Space Shuttle Endeavor and it is very clever. The budget crisis? TARP? The deficit? Nothing is what it seems. All the money spent by the US government in the past two years has been on outfitting Endeavor for it’s last and most important mission.

Endeavor is currently docked at the International Space Station, packed like Noah’s Ark with plants, animals and people – ready in a moments notice to speed away toward Gliese 581g. Upon their arrival on this Earth-like planet they will begin “seeding” it with Life, effectively saving Humankind.

The shuttle has been modified with upgrades such as an FTL drive to get us there fast and advanced weaponry in the event that Gliese 581g is already blessed with Life. All the partisan bickering and childish behavior from inside the beltway lately has been a distraction to keep the electorate busy while our government saves life as we know it.

Russ Feingold, who continues to lead the Gang of 14 despite being ousted from the Senate last year, said yesterday “If God wants a fight we’ll give him a fight.” John McCain, standing behind him looking grim but resolved, nodded his head in agreement. “As a conservative I don’t like this,” he said, “but as an American I have a duty to my country to ensure that God doesn’t destroy the way of life of everyone left behind.”

This reporter says “God speed Endeavor!” and also “Thank you Mr. President and the Gang of 14. I’ll be thinking of your bravery and cunning as I and my family are swallowed up by the hot lava of God.”