Music

Design The Skyline Dump 16-Year-Old Bassist, Whining Ensues

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There are chicks like this out there who want to fuck band dudes, dude

Wait, who? Design The Skyline? Never fucking heard of ‘em before today, but for some reason, everyone is writing about how these dudes fired their 16-year-old bassist because…well, he’s 16.

I did some research on them, and discovered they’re signed to Victory Records. That says a lot right there. I checked out some of their songs, and after little reflection, determined that I’d rather give Magic Johnson a good rogering than ever have to listen to these fucks again.

Worth noting is that the 16-year-old bassist, named Ethan, revealed the fact that he had been dumped by his shitty band online, through the magic of social networking. And you know what? It sounds like it was written by a 16-year-old, and frankly, I am scared shitless for the future of this nation. When I’m too old to complain, little twits like this will be making decisions.

Here is the statement, in it’s entirety: “So my asshole band members just kicked me out because im 16. Ive worked so hard in this band ive done alot i drove all the way to chicago with them to get signed i made 2 music videos with them i do nothing wrong. And were going on our first tour in about 2 weeks. And there just dropping me like that. Nothing ever goes well for me in my life not school not relationships and finially i get in a band ive loved music my whole life and we finially get signed a dream come true and now ive lost that.

“I feel like that once in a life time chance had finally come and now its just gone like that cause my band members are fucking heartless. They know what shit ive been through but there just selfish. Now i feel like my life isnt worth living im just a normal ass person like ive always been and that sucks [Edit: Please, dude. You were in a shitty band…and way to insult everybody who isn’t in a band], i was so excited to see what tour is like and get to go to europe and see beautiful places on this earth. I cant even type right right now im shaking im so scared and mad and idk its an intense feeling i just broke a mirror with my hand and im bleeding i feel stupid. wtf is wrong with me. nothing goes well for me and this is just like assuring me nothing else ever will.. omg im freaking out. a;sdkjf;f FUCK man. i hope NONE of you guys have problems like this in yalls lives i hope you all live amazing wonderful happy lives no one deserves this but apparently i do for some fucked up reason..”

Jesus, kid — you’re fucking 16! The best years of your life are ahead of you. What I wouldn’t give to be that age again! If I were this douche, I’d be out there, invading the rectal cavities of every high school scene chick from here to Tallahassee. You were in a band at the age of 16, and you’re not using this to your advantage.

Getting gash may not be super important to you now, but trust me: One day, you will look back at this most opportune time in your life and wish you could kick your own ass for not laying pipe more often than you were on the computer, whining like a little bitch. You need to act like a man, dude. You’re sounding like you were raised by two moms.