Music

Five Finger Death Punch’s Album Goes Gold

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The worst band ever

FUCKING BULLSHIT!

How? HOW?!?! Who the fuck is buying Five Finger Donkey Punch’s music? I personally don’t know a living soul who’d support this roid-rock, but then again, I don’t hang around highway rest stops.

Today, a press release announced that the ironically-named American Capitalist was certified gold in the U.S.

That means more than 500,000 copies of the record have been shipped to stores. Who knows? Half may end up in the bargain bin by next spring.

This is the band’s THIRD album to reach that mark.

Couldn’t have happened to a bigger bunch of dickholes.

Oh, and get this shit — band guitarist Zoltan Bathory thinks his band’s success is a good thing for everyone.

“I think it’s a huge win for all of us,” said that clueless asshole. “Not just for us as a band but for the entire genre of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal. This is a loud and clear indicator that heavy music is in demand and if a relatively new band like us can accomplish something like this, then maybe be this is just the prelude for the shape of things to come.”

Can’t someone arrange a bus accident here?

And hey — fuck you, Brandon Webster. You fucking waste of sperm and eggs.